Sometime I look back on things and think "geeze, I wish I would have done that different" and somedays I want to fast-forward through tedious things to the good stuff. Or better yet, I wish I had more time with my father.
I remember when we found out dad had cancer. It was after many months of me and my dad driving back and forth to Missoula to see a shoulder specialist for a bone spur. He told me he was having some wheezing and trouble breathing, so I told him that I thought he should go see my pulmonologist. I think I thought it was just allergies or asthma to be honest.
In april of 2009 after my dad had seen the doctor he was told there was a tumor in his lung and that they needed to biopsy it. I waited with my mother while dad went into surgery and after surgery we anxiously awaited the news.
He had cancer. Lung cancer.
The next several months were a whirlwind of chemo and radiation. and my dad took it like a champ. He had days of being really sick and there were a couple scares here and there with visits to the ICU. The cancer spread to his brain and so again he underwent chemo and radiation.
At one point the doctors told us Dad may not make it to Christmas. That was December 2010.
Then like a miracle dad completely pulled out of it and was for all intensive purposes "cancer free".
Dad got sick again in the spring of 2012 right before my college graduation. We found that the cancer had returned with 5 tumors in his lungs and 2 large ones in his brain that were giving him nasty vertigo.
My dad would spend most days unable to move too far from his chair because he was so dizzy and sick. He hardly kept any food down at all. he was so embarrassed for us to see him that way, he fought so hard to not let us see him sick. I can remember on more than one occasion stopping by to see him and catching him in his chair throwing up in his garbage can.
Then in September 2012 dad had brain surgery and it went SO well. He actually went home the next day. He was feisty with the nurses and honestly, we all thought he was going to be better.
So, that brings us to the week I wish never existed. It started November 7th, 2012 when dad, during his PT therapy session that was required after brain surgery, didn't feel well and called my mom to come get him. When she showed up to pick him up, he was sick and grey looking. They stopped by subway at my dad's request and my mom went in to get sandwiches and when she came back out dad was slumped over and grey.
They went home and dad laid down. The next few days his condition deteriorated but in order to not worry any of us, I did not find out until Saturday. Saturday morning is when dad asked mom if she'd be OK if he went. So Sunday I came over to tell my dad goodbye. Monday dad pretty much stopped talking and Hospice came.
My dad passed away on November 14th at 3:12pm. It was a wednesday and probably a day I will remember forever.
So, now dad is gone and I really wish I had told him how much I looked up to him and how much I loved him. If I could go back I'd spend more days by him and talking with him.
When dad got sick we used to go for drives and he'd tell me stories about him. He told me more about himself in those times than I ever knew. I wish I had the chance to get to know him better. I lost my dad when I was only 28. He will never get to see my children or me getting my PhD.
The funeral was November 17. There were so many people there who loved my father and even more surprising was the outpouring of support from my friends. People came who I would have never expected and I will forever be grateful for them and their support.
My dad's death is still so fresh and raw. There is still a hole that I think I struggle to fill sometimes. I have amazing people in my life who, without them, I am not sure I'd have survived dad's death. That is the honest truth. I remember taking a shower after dad died and just standing under the hot water, not crying but just so numb. I still have dreams about him. Sometimes in my dreams I know he has passed and that makes it all the more real. I used to start to call him out of habit when something cool happened or I had a question. I have stopped doing that now.
I am afraid I will forget things about him like his laugh and smile. And the things he loved. I don't want to ever forget the way his voice sounded. I wish I had something recorded with his voice on it. Sometimes I cannot remember things about him and it hurts my heart so much. I never want to lose having a piece of him with me always.
The strange thing is that the world keep turning and time keeps going. And in this I get up and age and continue with my life. Life doesn't really allow time to grieve. Perhaps that is for the best. Perhaps it is life's way of helping us cope. By forcing us to keep moving forward.
I love you dad. I wish I would have told you more, but I have learned to be better about telling the people around me that I love them. I wish I had one more day with you healthy and we could go golf or go for a drive. I wish you could see me today. I wish that I could smell fresh sawdust on you. I wish you would be here to hood me when I get my PhD. But I am thankful you no longer suffer. And I am more thankful that you didn't suffer during death.
Thank you for teaching me everything that makes me who I am today. I promise I will make you proud.
I miss you.
Don’t be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes
‘Cause everyday it’s sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world
Off your shoulders now
I’m dreaming of the day
When I’m finally there with you
Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon
I have asked the question why
But I guess the answer’s for another time
So instead I’ll pray
With every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here
And I wanna live my life
Just like you did
Make the most of my time
Just like you did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there
Until I get there
