Gardening

So I have spent the last several days, pulling (more like fighting) weeds, getting rid of rocks, and planting a bajillion flowers and bulbs that will supposedly turn into flowers.  I am all bruised and my hands and nails are a total mess.  I swear to God this better be worth it... If stuff doesn't grow im just planting rocks next year and calling it good.  But i have high hopes for all the lilies and others that i planted.  It should smell like heaven and have tons of bees, butterflies and hummingbirds.  I am super excited at the prospect of hummingbirds.

The nest project is turning the back yard into a rock garden with a water feature and adding a veggie greenhouse.  I am super excited about this and I have been doing lots of homework so that I am well versed on all things garden related. I really want a backyard oasis to hang out and BBQ in.  And also to read and all that fun yards-y stuff!

Friendship-unfettered

So, my last post was about the people I trust and good friends (eventually I want to write something about Brian but I am afraid to bore all zero of you to tears with talk of how much I like him). This post is about how naive and trusting I can be and how it causes me to be hurt and walked on.  I know I am not the only one, I am not trying to sound special or anything, just perceptive from my own experiences.  What made me think of it is today at work an older woman made comment at how since I don't always feel comfortable sending food back at restaurants that I am going to eat bad food.  Now while I grasp the concept, its the tone with which people convey their opinions.  I am no worse for the wear from having a so-so dining experience and I don't feel like I was slighted but I find it odd that people feel the need to project their "if you don't do it my way, you are doing it wrong" mentality.  I don't know that people realize how they are perceived, I am not perfect and I am certain I have hurt someones feelings. But lets all try a teeny bit harder to be less jackass.

I have posted before about lying, seriously just to make it clear DO NOT LIE TO ME.  I have met some people who I thought ooh cool!,  I could be friend with these people only to slowly find out that they have been deceptive about their true personality.  I like people for who they are, not who they pretend they are.  And it bums me out because when people cannot be truthful about the most simple things how can I trust that they will be truthful when life gets sticky.

So, I have gotten better about giving people seventh chances... I am more on the line of allowing third chances now... less painful for me in the long run and I look less stupid.  Some day I shall progress to second chances... the same time I start regularly updating blog posts...

I guess I could go on with a thousand tales of woe and whatnot but meh... It is Friday and Fridays are good.

Friendship

I have never been one of those people who had a bajillion friends.  At any given interval in my life I have had just one close friendship.

• My youngest years I was best friends with a girl much older than me who was my neighbor.  Her name was Jennifer and I adored her.  I looked up to her and as a 3 year old would sneak into her house to try to play with her at all hours. 
• Then there came Traci who was my best friend for as long as I can remember.  She too was older than me by about 6 years and I took on a little sister role to her.  She taught me to ride my bike, to play marbles and to play Nintendo.  We would spend hour playing Nintendo.  She always french braided my hair and taught me to dress nice.  She was very sporty and fashionable.  I was devastated when she hit high school and didn't wanna hang out with me anymore.
• Helen was my neighbor as well. except she was my age.  Her and I explored the world around us.  Riding horses and building forts.  Exploring the attic of her parents business.  I discovered Chinese food and skiing with her.
• Then came Jenni, the loss of her friendship has been the hardest because her and I were kindred spirits.  We are still friendly, just not close anymore.  I blame that on the fact that I moved in high school and when I came back i felt like she had changed.  I am sure we both changed, but I still felt like that same girl who was best friend with Jenni.  My dad called her Blondie and even as I was an adult he would ask me if I had heard from Blondie down the street.  Jenni and I lived about 2 blocks away from each other and there was "our corner" which was where med meet each other half way and head to her house, my house or on whatever adventure we saw fit.  We road bikes everywhere in the summer and spent a lot of time at the swimming pool.  I laughed with her lots.  She was my best friend for so many years.
• Katie was my Georgia angel.  She really made my time there so much better.  And best of all she has a love for Montana so I get to see her and her awesome family when they came for her wedding in Montana and when she and her husband come to visit.  She is a great friend that I still keep in touch with.
• Sean is my comedic relief, I still keep in touch with him even though it maybe go 6 months without a text.  I haven't seen his actual face in 13 years.  I always enjoyed his rounded mature moments.  He is very wise.  Sean is another one who helped me survive Georgia.
• So now comes my current best friend Maggie.  I think when she first met me she thought I was stuck up or insane... she was right about one.  Apparently I give off an air or something... huh... I met her at a first meeting for a burlesque show. Anyway we became fast friends because she is witty and sarcastic and downright honest.  She is a talented little firecracker who has been through rough patches in life with family and men.  She is so talented musically, and as someone who loves music and likes to think themselves a singer, I am in awe of her instrumental prowess.  More so I enjoy her fierce intelligence and witty humor.  One time she was regaling us with a story of some bar dancing moves she had seen and she expertly demonstrated in my kitchen.  Pretend beer and all. The thing I have always struggled with and why I have maintained limited friendships is that I REALLY like to do my own thing and having friends gets in the way usually.  I am quirky and opinionated and sometimes I want to stare at things and think maths and having to devote time to people tends to interfere with that and so I generally don't miss friends when I am not around them.  But Maggie is different. I enjoy her company so much that when she leaves I don't find myself relieved I find myself sad and anticipating the next time we can hang out.  And she is the type of friend I can go weeks or longer without talking to and we pick things up as if less than a minute has passed between us.  I am not saying I didn't enjoy my other friends on this list, but they were at different times in my life... as an adult I have hermited myself and found my zones of comfort which tend to include just Brian and myself.  Maggie and I both lost our fathers and it is something we can both cry over and heal together.  Maggie has always been honest with me when I am being a jackass... she gives me a sanity check.  When I was married and things were rocky, she gave me solace and a place to be angry or sad and crying.  She helped me have the strength to make a decision that would affect and direct my life and career to where I am now.  I don't think I could have done all this without her jump start.  I was at her house texting my hunky awesome man after our first date and I know she saw my giddy head-over-heelness.  I love being able to hang out with her, even in the most awful of tone deaf situations, just hanging out with her makes me happy.  And Brian thinks shes awesome too.  I dunno, Maggie is just awesome.  PLUS, she has cats.

Faithful Followers

All zero of you....

If i ever hoped to glean some sort of blogging success I should have know better by the sheer fact that I cannot keep up a regular blogging schedule.  Once every two years doesn't seem to cut it.. for some odd reason.  I could do regular updates but again the only one who ever would read them is me.

This post is going to be painful to get done... I am sitting here eating siracha peas contemplating something of interest to dangle before all zero of my followers to keep them deeply engrossed until the next post 2 years from now.


... that's it.. that is all I have for now... This is why I will never be a "blogger'.

I wish I had a time machine

Sometime I look back on things and think "geeze, I wish I would have done that different" and somedays I want to fast-forward through tedious things to the good stuff.  Or better yet, I wish I had more time with my father.

I remember when we found out dad had cancer.  It was after many months of me and my dad driving back and forth to Missoula to see a shoulder specialist for a bone spur.  He told me he was having some wheezing and trouble breathing, so I told him that I thought he should go see my pulmonologist.  I think I thought it was just allergies or asthma to be honest.

In april of 2009 after my dad had seen the doctor he was told there was a tumor in his lung and that they needed to biopsy it.  I waited with my mother while dad went into surgery and after surgery we anxiously awaited the news.

He had cancer.  Lung cancer.

The next several months were a whirlwind of chemo and radiation.  and my dad took it like a champ.  He had days of being really sick and there were a couple scares here and there with visits to the ICU. The cancer spread to his brain and so again he underwent chemo and radiation.

At one point the doctors told us Dad may not make it to Christmas.  That was December 2010.

Then like a miracle dad completely pulled out of it and was for all intensive purposes "cancer free".

Dad got sick again in the spring of 2012 right before my college graduation.  We found that the cancer had returned with 5 tumors in his lungs and 2 large ones in his brain that were giving him nasty vertigo.

My dad would spend most days unable to move too far from his chair because he was so dizzy and sick.  He hardly kept any food down at all.  he was so embarrassed for us to see him that way, he fought so hard to not let us see him sick.  I can remember on more than one occasion stopping by to see him and catching him in his chair throwing up in his garbage can.

Then in September 2012 dad had brain surgery and it went SO well.  He actually went home the next day.  He was feisty with the nurses and honestly, we all thought he was going to be better.

So, that brings us to the week I wish never existed.  It started November 7th, 2012 when dad, during his PT therapy session that was required after brain surgery, didn't feel well and called my mom to come get him.  When she showed up to pick him up, he was sick and grey looking.  They stopped by subway at my dad's request and my mom went in to get sandwiches and when she came back out dad was slumped over and grey.

They went home and dad laid down.  The next few days his condition deteriorated but in order to not worry any of us, I did not find out until Saturday.  Saturday morning is when dad asked mom if she'd be OK if he went.  So Sunday I came over to tell my dad goodbye.  Monday dad pretty much stopped talking and Hospice came.

My dad passed away on November 14th at 3:12pm.  It was a wednesday and probably a day I will remember forever.

So, now dad is gone and I really wish I had told him how much I looked up to him and how much I loved him.  If I could go back I'd spend more days by him and talking with him.

When dad got sick we used to go for drives and he'd tell me stories about him.   He told me more about himself in those times than I ever knew.  I wish I had the chance to get to know him better.  I lost my dad when I was only 28.  He will never get to see my children or me getting my PhD.

The funeral was November 17.  There were so many people there who loved my father and even more surprising was the outpouring of support from my friends.  People came who I would have never expected and I will forever be grateful for them and their support.

My dad's death is still so fresh and raw.  There is still a hole that I think I struggle to fill sometimes.  I have amazing people in my life who, without them, I am not sure I'd have survived dad's death.  That is the honest truth.  I remember taking a shower after dad died and just standing under the hot water, not crying but just so numb.  I still have dreams about him.  Sometimes in my dreams I know he has passed and that makes it all the more real. I used to start to call him out of habit when something cool happened or I had a question.  I have stopped doing that now.

I am afraid I will forget things about him like his laugh and smile.  And the things he loved.  I don't want to ever forget the way his voice sounded.  I wish I had something recorded with his voice on it.  Sometimes I cannot remember things about him and it hurts my heart so much.  I never want to lose having a piece of him with me always.

The strange thing is that the world keep turning and time keeps going.  And in this I get up and age and continue with my life.  Life doesn't really allow time to grieve. Perhaps that is for the best.  Perhaps it is life's way of helping us cope.  By forcing us to keep moving forward.

I love you dad.  I wish I would have told you more, but I have learned to be better about telling the people around me that I love them.  I wish I had one more day with you healthy and we could go golf or go for a drive. I wish you could see me today.  I wish that I could smell fresh sawdust on you.  I wish you would be here to hood me when I get my PhD.  But I am thankful you no longer suffer.  And I am more thankful that you didn't suffer during death.

Thank you for teaching me everything that makes me who I am today.  I promise I will make you proud.

I miss you.

Don’t be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes
‘Cause everyday it’s sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again

You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world
Off your shoulders now
I’m dreaming of the day
When I’m finally there with you

Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon

I have asked the question why
But I guess the answer’s for another time
So instead I’ll pray
With every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here

And I wanna live my life
Just like you did
Make the most of my time
Just like you did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there
Until I get there

Honesty and Stuff

I have no idea where this post will end up.  I just have a feeling and I thought I'd start writing about it.  I probably won't be funny, but usually when I am funny it is not purposeful so I suppose an occasional moment may present itself.

Am I being punished for lying as a teenager?  I freaking feel like it.  I am probably the most easy-going, laid back, nonjudgmental human EVER.  We all make mistakes, we all have our "moments".  What I don't get is why people continue to lie to me after I tell them again and again and again and again... that all I care about is honestly.

You killed my Teddy Ruxpin?  Know what? I forgive you.  I am not even mad... UNLESS you LIE to me about it.  Now I am all of a sudden so pissed off... ok here is the thing.  I am not even pissed.  I am hurt, really really hurt.  I makes me go through all sorts of emotions, but truthfully the one I settled on is "so what you're telling me is I am not good enough and do not mean enough to you to be given the truth".  That hurts my heart. Overdramatic? Eh... probably, but no matter how many moments of lying to my face I encounter and no matter how hard I try to feel less about the situation, I.JUST.CAN'T. And the degree of the lie gets the same reaction.

The kicker is I have a damn UNCANNY ability to spot a lie, that and I think I have my mothers gift of always catching people doing things they're not supposed to be doing.  It is NOT as cool as it sounds.  NOT AT FREAKING ALL.

I have pretty much given up on really trusting people.  I just gauge them on a healthy scale of truth/lie ratio and likeliness of truth/lie ratio.  Yep, I have issues. Lets save that for a different blog.

So I have a mental list of sorts.  Or I think I started it a couple years ago.  It is loosely titles how likely are you to lie to my face.  Zero would be zero likely, as in you are awesome and I love you because you'll give me the truth no matter how ugly.

I originally was going to spill the beans on the amount of humans in that zero spot but it made me sound so untrusty, so I totally deleted that sentence.

Anywhoo, I think that is all.

.  

Not So Verbose

I promised myself I would blog regularly.  The thing I failed to take into account is that I may not always have something of consequence to say.  As such, I am sticking to my personal promise.  Not that anyone would have known if I hadn't.  But I'm not going to argue with myself.  I fight dirty and always win, usually leaving behind casualties. And there is nothing worse than being mad at me. So, here I am writing about not having anything to write.

I have sat here for about 10 minutes deciding whether or not that was enough to call a blog post and decided that all zero of my avid readers would be disappointed.  Not that I didn't warn them with the title, but people are never truly satisfied. That having been said, I think my bloggers block is stemming from the fact that I have a blog in mind for Father's Day and it is clogging my capacity to think in the now.